Soup doesn’t come in a can.

When the apocalypse comes, and the grid crashes down, who’s going to feed you?

Not our friends in the Foodiness industry, they need a grid, and a factory to make their fabricated food fodder. So you, my friend, will be on your own. So if you’ve been eating canned soup all your life, or buying frozen breakfast burritos, or pre-grilled chicken patties, or whipped topping in a tub, I have news for you. You’d better get your sh*t together and learn how to cook a few basic staples, or you’re gonna starve.

Think back to how your grandma made soup, all simmering and bubbly in her giant cast-iron crock on her big wood-burning cook-stove up there on Walton’s mountain….oh, wait, that wasn’t you… You grew up in Massapequa in the 70’s, right? Your grandma was playing cards in Boca and wearing Dacron, and eating canned peaches and cottage cheese, not making soup from a deer’s head…sorry, I forgot.

Your grandma most likely embraced the convenience of post-war era Foodiness, after decades of saving up her bacon grease in a jar, and your Mom loved Foodiness because it freed her up to smoke her Virginia Slims and get divorced, and we slurped our canned soup and watched hours of TV while we fell deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole of Foodiness completely. We’ve all been eating canned soup and pre-made convenience food for so long that we can’t even recognize real food anymore, let alone cook it for ourselves.

That’s what I call the Foodiness Firewall. Pre-prepared “foods” – like tomato and chicken soup — keeps us so far from tomatoes and chicken — that we don’t know what it is when we see it. …much less what to do with it.

Which brings me to the apocalypse. Not to sound like your great grandma, but it’s coming. So get ready. Probably on the first Tuesday of next November. Better learn how to make some soup, or an egg. It’s not that hard, some of it’s pretty easy, and a hell of a lot cheaper and way better for you than the manufactured dopplegangers of foodiness.

Save the canned soup for your fallout-shelter, and pray really hard that you’ll never have to eat it. It’s sh*t, and why would you want to eat that?