Archive for July, 2012

Episode: Reminder—Episode 18

Don’t Make Me Tell You Again! Garden Burgers Don’t Come From Gardens!


Like a good “follower” and an even better “friend”, I’ve been following your Tweets and your Facebook updates very closely. Love the pics from the Hamptons! …and that you’re comfortable enough with your body to wear that bathing suit. Very admirable. And when I saw you had decided to go vegan to help the environment I was ready to “like” your post right away – even more than I “liked” your deep thoughts on the Batman shooting and the Democratic Platform including gay marriage. After all, anyone who can honestly give up meat for the good of the environment is worthy of a “like”.

But then I noticed in your dinner Tweets and updates that you hadn’t really given up meat. After all, “veggies” don’t taste like hamburgers; tofu doesn’t look like chicken patties; and soy isn’t supposed to replace bacon. Maybe you’ve seen too many mid-morning talk shows on vegetarian food products; maybe you’re too busy Tweeting to slice real tomatoes; maybe you were drinking real dirty martinis when we went over this and it all got foggy, but either way, it looks like I’m going to have to go say this again: Garden Burgers Don’t Come From Gardens.

So in tonight’s episode I get real – yet again – about foodiness vegetarian products; what’s actually in products like vegan burgers, tofu hotdogs and soy bacon (pretty much everything in the world but vegetables); the fact that processed vegetarian products are a foodiness bamboozle because they are worse for your health and the environment than eating meat; how “vegetarians” who eat foodiness products designed to taste like meat are like tranny chasers who are into men, but need them to look like women; and what real vegetarianism is, which is eating non-meat real food.

So pay attention this time, and don’t make me de-“friend” you over a tofu burger!

Episode: Reminder—Episode 28

I’m going to say this just one more time…


Okay okay okay, I get it. You’re busy. Little Lexi and Zack just turned 2; your diabetic mother just moved in; and you just made executive global vice president of international internal relations and marketing and, on top of everything, are in charge of your division’s Tweets. But this is the third time I’ve seen you marching down the street on the way to work eating a blueberry flaxseed organic milk and cereal breakfast bar with pictures of mountain tops and wheat fields and I’ve just had it. (And I don’t even want to speculate about the organic pop tarts you fed little Lexi and Zack before the nanny showed up!) Didn’t we have this discussion before? Didn’t I already intervene? Obviously I’m going to have to tell you twice: Eat Pizza For Breakfast, Not Pop-Tarts!
So here I go again: tonight I get real about what foodiness has done to breakfast; how sugary cereal, breakfast bars, pre-scrambled eggs, and instant-breakfast shakes have completely hijacked breakfast from real food; how foodiness has opportunistically stepped in to our busy-fied lives Tweeting, Texting and Tweaking with breakfast foods as fake as Kim Kardashian’s face; how eating foodiness for breakfast leads to things like Linking In with losers, and eating real food leads to realizing you don’t actually care about the baby pics your best friend from middle school posted on her Facebook page; and how to get real, which is to just eat a banana or a boiled egg (they don’t take any longer to unwrap than a breakfast bar)…or just eat food, because even leftover pizza is realer than Organic Pop-Tarts.

Episode: 38

You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy


In tonight’s episode — You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy — I get real about what foodiness has done to fruit; how, whether it’s poisoned pears and tasteless tangerines or fat-free fruit Go-Gurts and blueberry-colored flavor-dots, you can’t trust fruit (see Napoleon, Larry Craig, Tom Cruise); how we’re so far down the foodiness™ rabbit hole with fruit that children today don’t have a Proustian first-time with fruit anymore, but rather with fruit-flavored Gummy Bears and strawberry colored Swedish Fish; how phony “fruit” facsimiles lead to facsimiles across the board (see Auto-Tune replacing voices, reality shows replacing reality, Tweeting replacing experiences); and how to get real, which is to eat fruit over an oat-bran protein fruit bar and an organic apple over a toxic apple, and to just accept that when it comes to fruit, it’s pretty f*ed…but at least you had an unforgettable childhood first-fruit experience, and can pronounce “Proust.”

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