FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Episode: 164

Color Me Freaked Out.


There’s nothing left to say. I’ve read every editorial, every FaceBook post, every HuffPo screaming front page rant. I’m done. I’m done with the election, and I’m done even discussing it, or him. He who shall not be named. I had been calling him the apricot barbarian, but you know what? I love apricots, they’re delicious and pretty and when they’re ripe, they smell how I imagine Eden might have smelled, if Eden had been a real place and not just a setting for a fairy tale. Apricots are an incredible fruit, and they don’t deserve the association with that walking pile of shit. No, you know what? That’s an insult to shit, too. How about we call him…Fake-n-Bake Hitler? I have no problem insulting fake tanning, it’s an abhorrent practice, and nothin’s worse than Hitler, so that’s a good moniker. That works. Fake-n-Bake Hitler. Perfect. FBH for short.

Or Tang-Stained Goon? Or Dehydration-Pee-Color Monster? Fanta-Face?

So here I am this fall season, thinking about color, and there it was, the NY Times Magazine. With their food issue article about how the big industrial food companies, think Kraft, M&M Mars, you know, Foodiness, Inc., are all scrambling to find new ways to color their garbage non-food products with natural colors, because all of a sudden, American consumers are freaking out. Not because a Sunkist-Soda-faced demagogue could be our next president, but because all of the shit food they’ve been cramming into their gaping maws has been artificially colored for years, and now the moms of America are calling on the major food corporations to STOP THE MADNESS?

“GET THE BLUE DYE OUT OF OUR KIDS M&M’s and SQUEEZY YOGURT”. They’re DEMANDING that the big food co’s ditch the color, and replace it with natural colors.

Nobody’s demanding that we label GMO’s, or stop dumping raw sewage on our crops as fertilizer, or stop using what accounts to slave labor to harvest our food, or demanding that we clean up the trillions of tons of plastic in the ocean…no. Just give us our blue food, but please make it less chemically so we can feel better about eating shit.

Wait a second, moms of America, NOW you’re upset? You still haven’t figured out that you’re feeding chemical-sugar crap to your children, but are really upset at the big issue of the COLOR of the foods? Yes, the artificial color is terrible, and made from stuff like coal-tar sludge, but like FBH himself, the artificial color is merely the petrochemical-stained surface of a much, much deeper, larger problem. A tremendous problem, a HUGE problem!

The problem of the fact that we CARE so much about what’s in our SHITTY processed junk food, and don’t give a crap about what’s being done to real food.

And that’s a problem.

Episode: 163

Scary clowns, apricot-faced barbarians, and gluten; who ya gonna call?


Today, on an all-new Let’s Get Real…Scary clowns, apricot-faced barbarians, and gluten; who ya gonna call?

We’re all really, really scared these days. Scared for the future, scared for the planet (well, some of us), scared of scary scaring clowns scaring kids, scared of scary clowns pretending to be legit candidates…OMG, so much scariness! And it’s not even Halloween yet!

But even worse than all that scary stuff…is GLUTEN! Oh no, GLUTEN! The big scary monster lurking in all our most delicious foods, like bread!

Well, you all know how I feel about this, that unless you are straight-up legit diagnosed with Celiac disease, get over yourself and your gluten issues. Just don’t eat that shitty, processed, non-organic industrial bread and other crap that make up the SAD (Standard American Diet) that you’re stuffing your face with. Ditch that crap, and you’ll start feeling a lot better, a lot faster.

Unless you’re today’s guest, Peter Michael Marino. He’s my teacher and friend, a comedian, actor and solo performer, and founder of SOLOCOM, in which I’ll be performing in November. And he IS straight-up legit diagnosed with Celiac, so he has something to fear, for real, in gluten. He’s joining us today in the Foodiness Fallout Shelter, to discuss.

He’s a funny guy, so it should be a good time for all. Join us, why dontcha?

Episode: 162

Let’s Get Real…And Sharp. And Blunt! 


It’s special guest day here in the Foodiness™ Fallout Shelter! My new, once-in-a-while co-host, Emily Peterson, has taken time out from her busy life of cheffing, motherhood, chicken raising and occasional taxidermy to join us down here. You may know Emily from her HRN show, Sharp and Hot, but today we’re doing a mini-series within my show, called Sharp and Blunt. Guess who’s Blunt? Ha.

We have lots of stuff in common and lots of similar food issues, so we’re gonna kinda free-form it today, and, like on Bravo, watch what happens! Or I guess in this case, listen to what happens? Should be fun…So c’mon down the rabbit hole, and join us for some Foodiness™-fueled banter and chat.

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