FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Tonight, finally! A new live show! “Food is already smart…” On tonight’s all-new live show…Don’t lie to me and tell me that my food is “smart” or “enhanced” or a “better choice”, that’s all just Foodiness, and I KNOW what real looks like, tastes like, and smells like, and it doesn’t look like that stuff.

And I know how to COOK it, despite a childhood filled with James T. Kirk, 2001 and the Flintstones (remember Gazoo?) predicting pellets, pills and simulators. Sci-Fi may have told us that science and technology would bring us better, enhanced, smarter food in the future, but the future is now, and I’m not seeing all that much that impresses me. In fact, Foodiness seems to be the direct descendent of Soylent Green, and we know how that all turned out. Thank Jeezus I watched more “Little House” than “Battlestar Galactica”…I’d rather eat dinner with Laura and kiss-ass Mary, than with James T. and Scotty. Well, I’d rather eat their food, actually, the rest of the night might be more fun with the Enterprise gang….Anyway, my food is already smart, ‘cuz it’s REAL. So screw you Foodiness!

Also, a word or two about poop.

Tonight, on “Let’s Get Real”, it’s Kids Foodiness Time! Guess what? Our kids aren’t falling down the rabbit hole anymore like us, they’re being born in it! From that first sip of name-brand formula in the hospital, to that first bite of store-bought baby food to those first veggie puffs, and then the all-important first Happy Meal, the littlest consumers of all have those cute fingers and toes completely ensnared in the corporate-culture Foodiness Matrix! And unless we pull ’em out now, they may never survive it! Listen tonight to find out how to save the little buggers. First step, eat the little toy in the happy meal, not the meal.

Let’s say you’re drowning. Maybe your Italian cruise ship has capsized and you get flung overboard and find yourself very deep underwater. And by some combination of miracle and good cardio fitness, you make it up to the surface, where you immediately and instinctively do what?

Well duh, take an enormous breath of air, filling your screaming lungs and saving your brain from hypoxia and imminent death. That’s what we air-breathing animals do, we breath air. And so far, there’s no replacement for it, even scuba tanks run out eventually.

So why do we think that food, another one of our basic human survival needs, can be replaced with something else? Something made of chemicals, synthetic vitamins, taurine, caffeine, industrially-derived proteins, oils and corn-based sweeteners? Well that’s what the Foodiness industry uses to make what they like to call “meal replacement” products.

As if a meal could be replaced with a powder, shake or bar….silly Foodiness, food is for humans! Powders and shakes are for invalids, not that they’ll get any healthier eating that junk. And only babies who can’t do the boob should be drinking powdered foodiness out of a bottle. And using meal replacement products to gain or lose weight is just another form of an eating disorder. You may wind up gaining or losing weight, but you’ll lose your connection to food along with it, and may wind up like Karen Carpenter, or even worse, Nicole Ritchie.