Archive for January, 2012

Tonight, on “Let’s Get Real”, it’s Kids Foodiness Time! Guess what? Our kids aren’t falling down the rabbit hole anymore like us, they’re being born in it! From that first sip of name-brand formula in the hospital, to that first bite of store-bought baby food to those first veggie puffs, and then the all-important first Happy Meal, the littlest consumers of all have those cute fingers and toes completely ensnared in the corporate-culture Foodiness Matrix! And unless we pull ’em out now, they may never survive it! Listen tonight to find out how to save the little buggers. First step, eat the little toy in the happy meal, not the meal.

Let’s say you’re drowning. Maybe your Italian cruise ship has capsized and you get flung overboard and find yourself very deep underwater. And by some combination of miracle and good cardio fitness, you make it up to the surface, where you immediately and instinctively do what?

Well duh, take an enormous breath of air, filling your screaming lungs and saving your brain from hypoxia and imminent death. That’s what we air-breathing animals do, we breath air. And so far, there’s no replacement for it, even scuba tanks run out eventually.

So why do we think that food, another one of our basic human survival needs, can be replaced with something else? Something made of chemicals, synthetic vitamins, taurine, caffeine, industrially-derived proteins, oils and corn-based sweeteners? Well that’s what the Foodiness industry uses to make what they like to call “meal replacement” products.

As if a meal could be replaced with a powder, shake or bar….silly Foodiness, food is for humans! Powders and shakes are for invalids, not that they’ll get any healthier eating that junk. And only babies who can’t do the boob should be drinking powdered foodiness out of a bottle. And using meal replacement products to gain or lose weight is just another form of an eating disorder. You may wind up gaining or losing weight, but you’ll lose your connection to food along with it, and may wind up like Karen Carpenter, or even worse, Nicole Ritchie.

I’m trying to find some gardenburger seeds…

But none of the seed catalogs seem to carry them…Any leads?

I have no beef with vegetarians, eat meat, don’t eat meat, it’s all good, as they say. (They say it, I try not to) We have choice here in the good old US of A. At least until next November, then all bets are off…But.

Give up meat if you want, give up dairy, wheat, carbs, meth, crack, gin, whores, closeted gay sex, whatever you want to give up, just DO it…But don’t then try to replace the given-up thing with a simulated version of it! If you are truly repulsed by meat, or ethically opposed or whatever it is, then eat f*ing mushrooms and beans and quinoa and spinach. You’ll feel great! That’s what I call a vegetarian real-food eater. But don’t go swapping out your meat with vegetarian Foodiness, fer’ chrissakes! Why would you eat vegetarian simulacra faux-meat products like tofu-dogs or soy cheese or chik’n nuggets, if you are philosophically opposed to eating animals? Huh? It’s like Tranny Chasers, closeted gay men who have sex with transvestites (pre-op), so they can still convince themselves that the person under that dress is  really a woman, and they’re not gay after all!

I know its a whacked analogy, but its kinda perfect, isn’t it?