In tonight’s episode – If You’re Drinking Girl-Scout Cookie Flavored Coffee, It’s Time For Serious Self-Examination – I get real about what foodiness has done to coffee; how, like liquor, coffee was once an acquired taste for adults, and how, also like booze, it’s been candified and infantilized and turned into anytime desert; how wiping out unflavored coffee altogether and replacing it with pumpkin pie, caramelized bacon and now even artificially-flavored Girl Scout Cookie flavored coffee is like replacing jazz with gangsta rap in the remake of The Great Gatsby – the point is to erase the real thing altogether so our only choice is the fake doppleganger; and how, if you’re going to eat Girl Scout Cookies, eat Girl Scout Cookies, otherwise order your coffee black like an adult (unless you’ve had teeth whitening, in which case it’s okay to order it light).

So if you want to eat food and drink coffee like an adult and not sip on 10,000 calorie coffee flavored like artificially flavored girl scout cookies and you want to be the right kind of people, tune in!