Live from the Foodiness™ Fallout Shelter, it’s the 2nd or 3rd annual (I can’t remember) Golden Uncrustables awards show! Starring….your host, me! With Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, and Jack Inslee on the Twitter feed!
Before we get started, let’s just re-introduce all of our 87 million global listeners and viewers to the Golden Uncrustable, and give a little historical information about the awards.

The Golden Uncrustable is an award for Foodiness™ atrocities committed, Foodiness audaciousness and just plain old Foodiness™ bullshit. It is named in honor of the “Uncrustable” a frozen, pre-made, crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sold by Smuckers. The Uncrustable represents EVERYTHING to me that’s wrong in food in America today.

First: It’s premade, and frozen, and it’s made from garbage industrial white bread or garbage fakey industrial so-called whole wheat bread, both crustless, because we have to pander to children’s fussiness to such a degree that we’ve forgotten that just 2 or 3 generations ago their great-grandparents would have been fighting each other in the streets or the camps or the shtetl for those bread crusts, but no, our delicate fussy eaters need them removed and today’s parents are just trained dogservants to their overindulged chubby offspring.

Secondly, it’s premade, and frozen, and uses the shittiest peanut butter, like Jif or Peter Pan, which contain corn syrup and hydrogenated oils, and again, today’s useless parents can’t even manage the strength or dexterity to open a jar and spread their own Peanut Butter for their device-tethered tots? Or teach the kids to do it themselves? I guess they can’t, it’s hard to open a jar and spread PB when you’re so busy playing Minecraft. And anyway, they’d get it all over the screen.

And third, it’s premade, and frozen, and the jelly is of the corn syrup and grape juice concentrate kind, basically a mainline sugar IV hookup for your little addict. The bread is basically all sugar, the PB is filled with added sugar, and the jelly is pure sugar. Why can’t Johnny read? Because he’s in a diabetic coma, that’s why.
They should sell Uncrustables with a free toy syringe in every box! So you can train your little pre-diabetics for what’s to come shortly down the line. Of course, the diabetes-industrial complex loves stuff like the Uncrustable, they are simply propagators of the Foodiness™ solution to the Foodiness™ problem, and they’ve got groups like the ADA right up there behind them…but that’s another show.
So listen live, at 1:00 to this year’s Foodiness Golden Uncrustable awards show, or later tonight, or anytime ever on Itunes and Stitcher! Now please step on the carpet, turn, and smile!