So just imagine my joy and happiness upon learning that Organic Avenue, the juice and raw-vegan “food” chain has landed on the giant compost heap of nutritional trends. The entire chain has gone under. Way under. Bankruptcy, Out of biz! Whoohoo! They went under, had huge debt, owe hundreds of people thousands of dollars, and the founders made millions off a sale to an investment company. How utterly American of them! Living the dream in the Hamptons while all their employees and suppliers are left holding their empty orange totebags.

They milked that juice for all they could, until the little bottles of unpasteurized fish tank algae water went bad, then they collapsed. Nice. Sounds very…I don’t know, mortgage crisis-y? Just saying. One former partner was quoted as saying “you can’t build a business on what Gwyneth Paltrow says she likes” which was the first intelligent thing I agreed with about the company. After all, would you take advice from a woman who squats over boiling water to steam clean her uterus? Not me. I like my uterus a little grimy anyway. Better for your immune system that way.

There was a NY times article all about OA’s tragic demise earlier this month, and at the end of the article, some genius is quoted as saying that they think juice cleanses may be over now, and that everyone is into drinking charcoal now anyway. CHARCOAL. Really. And it had a link to an article on a beauty blog (suspicious radar going nuts) about how the juice companies are now selling little plastic bottles of cucumber-peel water with powdered activated charcoal. Because toxins.

Always with the toxins. Everyone is obsessed with toxins. Drink liquid charcoal, it’ll flush the toxins, do hot yoga, it’ll flush the toxins, steam your vag, it’ll flush the toxins. Know what else flushes toxins? Your liver. Unless you poison it daily with too much alcohol, which you know those size zero-Lululemon mommies are doing every night, as they see their fleetingly youthful asses drop and their hedgefund husband’s eyes start to wander…

So all of this, while making me insanely happy, also got me thinking about coal. Well, charcoal, but charcoal takes resources and power to create. It uses up trees. Coal, on the other hand, is just sitting there, waiting to be ripped from the ground, blown out of mountaintops, gored from the earth in the most destructive, polluting ways!

So think about it, if these stupid bitches are willing to drink activated charcoal, made from BURNT WOOD, why couldn’t I get them to drink coal, made from petrified dinosaur flesh? I mean, what’s more PALEO than that? It’s PRE paleo, you’d be eating something that existed before MAN, or at least that’s what the evolutionists say. What with the American coal industry rapidly collapsing, as we switch to cleaner energy, and the coal miners all addicted to cheap heroin and Vicodin now, living in rampant poverty in the hollers and hills down in Appalachia, and China lying about how much coal they’re burning in order to hide their emissions stats, which has nothing to do with our coal consumption except that the coal we do still mine can be sold to them, isn’t it time for America to do what’s most American, and EAT our natural resources? We already eat so much corn, and with the utter failure of ethanol, we’ll be eating even more of it, forever. But what about eating coal? We eat wood, in many forms; vanillin, which is artificial vanilla flavor, comes from paper making waste, and the “fiber” in a lot of fiber-added products comes also from wood processing, you can’t really eat gasoline, but lots of fake fats, margarines, creamers etc. are made from petroleum byproducts, what do you think Cool Whip is?

If you can get Americans to eat that sh*t, then eating coal is just a mere marketing strategy away!