FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Episode: 64

Trending Now: Cancer Walks Sponsored By Cancer Water, Zero Calorie Snoozberry Flavored Water That Puts You To Sleep And Probably Also Causes Cancer, And M & M Flavored Real Honey

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In tonight’s episode – Trending Now: Cancer Walks Sponsored By Cancer Water, Zero Calorie Snoozberry Flavored Water That Puts You To Sleep And Probably Also Causes Cancer, And M & M Flavored Real Honey – I get real about the latest trends down the Foodiness™ rabbit hole; how already endangered bees are foraging at M & M plants and producing M & M flavored honey, which is like the Foodiness rabbit hole turning into a black hole from which real food cannot escape; how cancer fundraising walks sponsored by artificially flavored and colored bottled water known to cause cancer is like a Foodiness solution to a Foodiness-made problem to a Foodiness solution; and how the newest Foodiness zero-calorie “snoozeberry” flavored “sleep” water is just another example of our belief that Foodiness products will solve all of our problems, as well as cause them, and then solve them; and how maybe if we just exercised, drank water from the tap and had a puff of weed if we needed it we’d sleep just fine and not get cancer…but might just have to raise your own bees after all.

So if you don’t want to eat shit or drink shit or get cancer from shit and you do want your sleep and you don’t want to eat M & M flavored real honey, tune in!

Episode: 63

If You’re Still Consuming Diet, Lite, Zero or “Healthy” Anything You Obviously Haven’t Listened To A Word I’ve Said

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In tonight’s episode – If You’re Still Consuming Diet, Lite, Zero or “Healthy” Anything You Obviously Haven’t Listened To A Word I’ve Said – I get real about diet Foodiness™ products; about how every study in the universe shows that the artificial sweeteners in diet products make us sick, but, more important, fat – after all, when is the last time you saw a thin person drink Coke Zero or pull out a stack of Lean Cuisine’s from their grocery cart?; how, if you want to eat or drink something diet, lite, zero calorie and healthy, drink water or eat a carrot, but for god’s sake if you don’t know this by now what are you listening to this show for? Oh! Of course, to make fun of people who don’t know any better.

So if you don’t want to eat sh*t and you want to make fun of people who do, tune in!!

Episode: Reminder—Episode 51

In Tonight’s Continuing Reeducation Program…

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As you all know by now, I have been on a nationwide rampage recently reeducating the public about the difference between food and foodiness, all the way from the mobility scooter-driving set on Dr. Oz to the Facebooking-about-sustainable-farming set at my TEDx talk in Berkeley. The point is that deprogramming and reeducating the public that I am the Jon Stewart of food – I mean, that we should all be eating food and not foodiness – is a full time job. After all, you people are inundated with foodiness propaganda all day — which, as you’ve learned by now, is the wrong kind of propaganda.

So in tonight’s continuing reeducation course  – Welcome to Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp, Part 2 – I get real again about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how most people wouldn’t know what to do with raw, live food found in the ground, on a field or in the water (not foodiness™ that tastes like cookies with pictures of food on the bag) any more than they’d know how make friends and flirt at a party without a device – and it’s hard to say which one is more disturbing; how, if they were starving enough, they surely would figure out a way to kill a rabbit, figure out which parts of an artichoke are edible, and if that’s a toxic industrial berry or a wild blueberry, just like they probably could socialize at a party without social media – if they were drunk enough; and how exposure to real food at its source reveals the dirty truth that eating real food doesn’t make you elite – it just makes you not an idiot – but it does make you the right kind of people; and, like the pill Keanu Reeves takes in the Matrix, eating real food can transport you back into the realm of the real, where the food is incredible, the parties are even better, and people don’t meet online, but, rather, drunk at bars like God intended.

Given that it’s about to be swimsuit season and that we’re all going to be inundated with propaganda about foodiness products that taste like strawberry cheese cake or lemon ice tea but with Kim Jong Il-style modifiers like “Zero”, “Lite” and “Healthy Choice,” next week I’ll be reeducating you about the people’s paradise of diet foodiness. So if you don’t want eat shit and you do want to be inundated with the right kind of propaganda, tune in!

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