Archive for June, 2015

Today, on “Body-Snatchers in my Box”…There’s a strange alien creature taking over my garden up at Tiny Bungalow land, and I’m not really sure what it is…could be zucchini, could be cucumbers, could be squash? All I know, is that I didn’t plant it, I didn’t ask it to be there, and it’s sucking me dry. My water, that is. That thing is THIRSTY! But it’s ok, we’re not California, yet.

Oh, and speaking of thirst, did you know that more than half of America’s kids are chronically dehydrated? Yup. Know why? Foodiness™ drinks; like Sporty-Ade and Crappi-Sun pouches, and Juicee-Boxes…and regular and diet sodas, all contribute to fat, sick, and dehydrated kids. Kids who may very well grow up to vote for TED CRUZ! Or even worse! Wait, what’s worse than Ted Cruz?

Listen to find out, on a live, hydrated, and in full living color Let’s Get Real!

Yes! Guests in the Fallout Shelter! I know, you think I’m such a loner-misanthrope-curmudgeon, and I sort of am, but it gets lonely down here. Now that the twins, Lexi and Hampton (remember them? I barely do) are off at Soviet-style reeducation camp (again…) and Jack is all messed up from his trip to Bonnaroo (millennials…oy) I needed some company.

So today, on the show, we have The Sarcastic Nutritionists! Josh and Gretchen, the masterminds behind that snark-tastic name, and the bloggers and “Etsy with a sense of humor” creators of their namesake products come down the ladder to the shelter to talk what else? ‪‎Foodiness‬™. Oh and nutrition, whatever that really means anymore, and my new theory that kids who are diagnosed with ADHD are really just dehydrated.

Join the fun, maybe we’ll have a snark-off, or a sarcasm throwdown… I’ll win. Of course.

So, a few days after my return from the International Sweets and Snacks Show, in Chicago, an email pops up in my inbox with the header: “Get ready for real food ingredients!” Wow, I thought, lay it on me, I’m ready for real food ingredients, especially after the sugar shitstorm I’d just immersed myself in!!

This email was from one of the many food companies and ingredient suppliers and industry email lists that I’ve wound up on over the years, because when you register for a trade show, you suddenly start getting emails from all kinds of industry suppliers and companies. This email was from a company that makes chicken products. Not like nuggets and patties, or chicken jerky or even IQF parts, no. They make stuff like powdered chicken stock base, and freeze-dried chicken fat for enriching your institutional hospital-type cooking and hotel and airline food.

The “real food” ingredient they were promoting? Chicken Protein Powder. Get ready indeed! Dehydrated, powdered, chicken meat dust. For use as an additive to processed food products, to increase the protein level in them, because everybody has apparently gone insane about getting enough protein, even though most Americans get more than double the protein they need on a average day. But the food industry has latched on to our belief that we need hundreds of grams of protein, and has added it to all sorts of enhanced Foodiness products like cereals and drinks, and even bottled water.

Is chicken powder a real food ingredient? Chicken is real food, if you dry it into chicken jerky I guess it’s still real food, but is chicken powder dust real food? I don’t know. Something is not right, there’s a distasteful quality about it. It’s creepy. Too far removed from the actual animal. Too much of a disregarding of the fact that the chicken was a living breathing, featherered bird, before it was dehydrated and powdered and put into a vaccum sealed pouch. Too much like soylent green.

It’s chicken!! It’s chicken!! Chicken protein powder is chicken! Or am just (as usual) I overreacting to this? Do I need to just let go, and let dust?