FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Episode: 69

You Can’t Beat Meat


In tonight’s episode – You Can’t Beat Meat– I get real with special guest Kristin Wartman about vegetarian Foodiness™; how vegetarian products like Tofutti pizza, Quorn, and Vega-Links made with industrialized ingredients like Texturized Soy Protein (invented by a corporation that also produces fuel additives), mycoprotein (which can cause rectal bleeding), and GMOs (which is probably what caused Honey BooBoo) are about as vegetarian as the Jersey manufacturing plants they come out of, and just as healthy; and how, if you want to be a real vegetarian or vegan you’re going to have to buy tons of vegetables and learn how to cook them…otherwise just eat Vienna Sausages – they couldn’t possibly be worse than Vega-Links and they (probably) don’t cause rectal bleeding.

Episode: Reminder—Episode 38

You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy


It’s Summer time, which means it’s time for scrumptious 2 dollar boxes of blueberries from the fruit cart, 12 dollar melons from the Farmer’s Market, and 22 dollar organic watermelons from Foragers. Life is good! Yes, the blueberries are covered in toxic pesticides, yes it took 45 minutes to get to the Farmer’s Market, and yes you could have bought a bag of weed and fruit from the cart with that 22 dollars and had some real fun (and not care about the pesticides). But the point is that you want to eat fruit that came out of the ground and not lite, watermelon, blueberry-flavored Slurpees from the third 7-Eleven that just opened up around the corner. Let’s face it: life isn’t good. Foodiness™ makes it hard!

So in tonight’s Rerun Amok — You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy — I get real about what foodiness has done to fruit; how, whether it’s poisoned pears and tasteless tangerines or fat-free fruit Go-Gurts and blueberry-colored flavor-dots, you can’t trust fruit (see Napoleon, Larry Craig, Tom Cruise); how we’re so far down the foodiness™ rabbit hole with fruit that children today don’t have a Proustian first-time with fruit anymore, but rather with fruit-flavored Gummy Bears and strawberry colored Swedish Fish; how phony “fruit” facsimiles lead to facsimiles across the board (see Auto-Tune replacing voices, reality shows replacing reality, Tweeting replacing experiences); and how to get real, which is to eat fruit over an oat-bran protein fruit bar and an organic apple over a toxic apple, and to just accept that when it comes to fruit, it’s pretty f*ed…but at least you had an unforgettable childhood first-fruit experience, and can pronounce “Proust.”

So if you don’t want to eat shit and you do want to justify spending money on fruit instead of weed, tune in!

Episode: 68

Trending Now: Buzz Aldrin Admits Tang Sucks, Soylent Corp. Is Not Ironic, and Pepsi-Free Pepsi


In tonight’s episode – Trending Now: Buzz Aldrin Admits Tang Sucks, Soylent Corp. Is Not Ironic, and Pepsi-Free Pepsi– I get real about the latest trends down the Foodiness™ rabbit hole; how the second man to walk on the moon finally confessed that Tang sucks, only to recant (which proves that Jews don’t control the media, Foodiness does); how Brooklyn 20-somethings starting up food replacement products and calling themselves Soylent Corporation without even knowing about Soylent Green goes to show you how far down the Irony Rabbit Hole we are; and how it turns out the gunk that makes Pepsi brown is toxic, so keep a look out for Pepsi-Free Pepsi…but I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.

So if you don’t want to eat shit in powder form or drink the all new Pepsi-Free Pepsi then tune in!

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