FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

In tonight’s episode – If Diets Worked Kirstie Alley Would Stay Thin – Chef Wides gets real with special guest Kristin Wartman about foodiness diets; how foodiness is what is making us fat (and stupid) in the first place, and products like Isagenix, Nutrisystem and Sensa are just foodiness solutions to foodiness-made problems; how, with ingredients like artificial sweeteners, yellow #5, stimulants and polysorbate 80, foodiness diets are about as real (and good for your health) as Nicole Richie’s reality show about her QVC fashion line; how, if they worked, celebrity endorsers like Kristie Allie and Jessica Simpson would stay thin; and how if we just ate real food we’d lose weight…and probably be smart enough to realize we shouldn’t be listening to Jessica Simpson.

In tonight’s episode – Coffee Aroma From the Can Is As Natural As New-Car Smell – I get real about foodiness illusions; how the aroma of OJ in your OJ is an injected OJ fragrance, the scent of coffee out of the can comes from a coffee-smell spray, and your hamburger was gassed to look red, so you can’t even trust your senses when it comes to foodiness; how the food technologists behind these illusions are about as trustworthy and truthful as scientologists, and you have to drink the Kool-Aid to be either; and how you can trust real food – that is, as long as it hasn’t been f*ed with, but since it’s all been f*ed with, you’re going to have to grow your own, or not eat anything…but at least you’ll be thin. And not a chump.

In tonight’s episode – His And Hers Are For Hassidic Weddings and Antiperspirant, Not Food – I get real about gender-specific foodiness™ marketing; how nutrition bars and instant oatmeal for women and gummy vitamins and diet sodas for men made of corn syrup and artificial sweeteners aren’t for any gender (even Jamie Lee Curtis); how separating genders is for gay bars, Hassidic weddings, and hair products, not food; how real food is for men, women, boys, girls, post-op trannies and every other gender, but foodiness™ is for suckers, and gender-specific foodiness™ is for super-suckers; and if you want to want to be manly show it in your moisturizer and if you want to be feminine let it show in your “skinny” vodka…like God and Grey Advertising intended.