I was taking a relaxing, quiet, urban Zen-like stroll down the High Line through the millions of potato people waddling down the boardwalk when I looked up into the windows of your 1.5 million dollar High Line adjacent, one-bedroom, luxury apartment and saw you packing. I guess you’re finally taking that vacation to Mykonos you’ve been talking about for years. As a tourist group from Tampa was taking your picture I noticed you going back and forth from your $3,000 a square foot kitchenette to your $4,000 canvas Gucci luggage to your $5,000 plastic medicine cabinet looking a little flummoxed. As the tourist group uploaded shots of you in your Hugo Boss briefs onto their blogs and waddled on to find more cupcakes, I realized why: you listen to Let’s Get Real; you now know that they don’t sell food at airports or serve food on planes; you can’t bring a pastured whole chicken through security; you won’t eat a protein bar anymore; your Orthorexia is flaring up; and you don’t have a prescription for the Percoset you’re considering having as an inflight snack. Now what?
Well, as they say in The Matrix, welcome to the realm of the real.
So in tonight’s special MyRerun – They Don’t Sell Food at 7-11 – I get real about travel foodiness™; how traveling is one of the most difficult situations to find and eat real food in; how it’s historically a tough one (while on his way back from Troy, Odysseus was almost eaten by a Cyclops while trying to steal one of the monster’s pigs; the Joads killed their last pig to make sure they had snacks on the road; the Donner party ran out of food and had to eat each other); how to realistically eat less foodiness™ while traveling – bring your own food if you can; fried chicken wings eaten at the bar are better than a protein bar; drive-through plastic tomatoes are better than the hamburgers; a cocktail and an Ambien are better than airplane food; and how, the fact is that, while traveling, you’re just going to have to lower your standards.
And like I said last week, eat a lot of Greek yogurt while you’re there … but I wouldn’t loan them any money.
In tonight’s episode – You Can’t Have Your Cheesecake Flavored Yogurt And Eat It Too – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to yogurt; how Oreo, key lime pie, M & M and red velvet cake flavored yogurt have given people the impression that they can eat cookies, candy and dessert and still be eating yogurt; how real yogurt made from milk and live cultures is to 70s era, all-American Olympian decathlete Bruce Jenner as fat free, sugar free, red velvet cake flavored foodiness™ “yogurt” is to 2012-era, face-lifted, reality-show Bruce Jenner; how to get real, which is to stay away from yogurts that have pictures of dessert, candy or cereal on them and to go for yogurts that say, “organic”, “grass-fed”, or “Greek”; and how if you want to eat cheesecake flavored yogurt for lunch, eat cheesecake – at least you’ll know what you’re eating…and that you’re a 35 year old jr. partner at a law firm making 200 grand a year eating cake for lunch.
In tonight’s episode – Choosy “Mommies” Don’t Choose Jif – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to peanut butter and jelly; how real peanut butter is to foodiness™ “peanut butter” as The Music Man is to Spiderman: The Musical, and real jelly is to foodiness™ “jelly” as Goldie Hawn is to Jessica Simpson; how there’s nothing “choosy” about eating peanut butter with sugar and hydrogenated vegetable oils or jelly with corn syrup and sugar; how to get real – buy peanut butter with one ingredient (peanuts) or jelly with three (fruit, sugar and pectin), or just make your own damn peanut butter – it has one ingredient, and if you can’t make something with one ingredient you’ve got bigger problems than real peanut butter and jelly can solve.