In tonight’s episode – Ketchup’s OK, It’s Finding Something To Put It On That’s The Problem – I get real about what foodiness has not done to condiments. Looking on the bright side for the first (and probably last) time I report that, indeed, Soylent Green is people (as well as capsules made in China), Kardashians are not people, but ketchup, mustard, mayo and salsa are still food; ketchup is pretty much still made out of tomatoes, vinegar, sugar, salt and spices and has not been replaced with a “red” flavored doppleganger (yet), and mustard is still made out of mustard seeds, vinegar, salt and white wine and has not been replaced with a “yellow” flavored doppleganger (yet) so, unlike beef, eggs, milk, olive oil, soy chips, protein bars, blueberries, smart water, vegetables, fruit, salmon, chicken and tuna you can actually eat them and finally feel safe.*
*Deli mustard colored with turmeric root can give you lead poisoning.
In tonight’s episode – Believe in Butter – I get real about what foodiness has done to butter; how the campaign to topple real butter and replace it with foodiness “butter” began, as it always does, by demonizing the sinfully delicious real thing in the same way religion demonized sex, drugs and rock n’ roll; how foodiness’ allegedly better early alternatives – margarine and its poor relative Crisco – made from toxic hydrogented vegetable oils turned out to be as sickening a replacement as virginity, sobriety, and Hannah Montana; how butter is fattening but it’s also good for the brain and if we ate more real butter and less fake “butter” we’d be smart enough to stop believing in fake alternatives across the board (see Facebook, reality shows, Mitt Romney); and how to realistically get real about butter, which is, when you can, to buy organic and / or grass fed…but even industrialized real butter is better than butter you shouldn’t “believe” in.
In tonight’s episode – The End Is Near…What’s for Dinner? – I get real about what we’re going to serve for armageddon; how food manufacturing has removed us so far from the source of food that we understand as much about where our food comes from and how it’s produced as we understand how our cell phone works, how you can rewind the TV, and how Susan Lucci never looks a day over 35; how when the apocalypse comes – brought on by solar flares, a super volcano, nuclear meltdown, Secretary of State Sarah Palin – if we want to survive we had better be prepared; how to prepare – store lots of canned beans, honey, cereal and weed – although apocalyptic survival usually boils down to eating people (see Soylent Green, Logan’s Run); and the perks to the apocalypse, which is that you won’t have to pay your student loans after all and you finally make your goal weight.