FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

So just imagine my joy and happiness upon learning that Organic Avenue, the juice and raw-vegan “food” chain has landed on the giant compost heap of nutritional trends. The entire chain has gone under. Way under. Bankruptcy, Out of biz! Whoohoo! They went under, had huge debt, owe hundreds of people thousands of dollars, and the founders made millions off a sale to an investment company. How utterly American of them! Living the dream in the Hamptons while all their employees and suppliers are left holding their empty orange totebags.

They milked that juice for all they could, until the little bottles of unpasteurized fish tank algae water went bad, then they collapsed. Nice. Sounds very…I don’t know, mortgage crisis-y? Just saying. One former partner was quoted as saying “you can’t build a business on what Gwyneth Paltrow says she likes” which was the first intelligent thing I agreed with about the company. After all, would you take advice from a woman who squats over boiling water to steam clean her uterus? Not me. I like my uterus a little grimy anyway. Better for your immune system that way.

There was a NY times article all about OA’s tragic demise earlier this month, and at the end of the article, some genius is quoted as saying that they think juice cleanses may be over now, and that everyone is into drinking charcoal now anyway. CHARCOAL. Really. And it had a link to an article on a beauty blog (suspicious radar going nuts) about how the juice companies are now selling little plastic bottles of cucumber-peel water with powdered activated charcoal. Because toxins.

Always with the toxins. Everyone is obsessed with toxins. Drink liquid charcoal, it’ll flush the toxins, do hot yoga, it’ll flush the toxins, steam your vag, it’ll flush the toxins. Know what else flushes toxins? Your liver. Unless you poison it daily with too much alcohol, which you know those size zero-Lululemon mommies are doing every night, as they see their fleetingly youthful asses drop and their hedgefund husband’s eyes start to wander…

So all of this, while making me insanely happy, also got me thinking about coal. Well, charcoal, but charcoal takes resources and power to create. It uses up trees. Coal, on the other hand, is just sitting there, waiting to be ripped from the ground, blown out of mountaintops, gored from the earth in the most destructive, polluting ways!

So think about it, if these stupid bitches are willing to drink activated charcoal, made from BURNT WOOD, why couldn’t I get them to drink coal, made from petrified dinosaur flesh? I mean, what’s more PALEO than that? It’s PRE paleo, you’d be eating something that existed before MAN, or at least that’s what the evolutionists say. What with the American coal industry rapidly collapsing, as we switch to cleaner energy, and the coal miners all addicted to cheap heroin and Vicodin now, living in rampant poverty in the hollers and hills down in Appalachia, and China lying about how much coal they’re burning in order to hide their emissions stats, which has nothing to do with our coal consumption except that the coal we do still mine can be sold to them, isn’t it time for America to do what’s most American, and EAT our natural resources? We already eat so much corn, and with the utter failure of ethanol, we’ll be eating even more of it, forever. But what about eating coal? We eat wood, in many forms; vanillin, which is artificial vanilla flavor, comes from paper making waste, and the “fiber” in a lot of fiber-added products comes also from wood processing, you can’t really eat gasoline, but lots of fake fats, margarines, creamers etc. are made from petroleum byproducts, what do you think Cool Whip is?

If you can get Americans to eat that sh*t, then eating coal is just a mere marketing strategy away!

In Italy, in 1984 I drank my first cappuccino, I’d never really had anything in the espresso family, and this foamy, dark, rich creature was something else. I was hooked on the capp.

But, as I was quickly admonished after ordering one late in the day, you don’t drink cappuccino anytime after breakfast. Milk is a morning item for Italians, once you drink it in the morning, that’s it. Cut off. Unless… you’re American, then they’d just roll their eyes and serve you. Or at least that’s how it was in the 80’s, when tradition still ruled and cultures were worth saving. And… just a mere 40 years, may I quickly remind you, after we saved the Italians from becoming German speakers. Oh, You’re welcome, Italy. I know at the time, you weren’t really cool with it, but do you see now, how well it all worked out right? Allies, Axis, who got the better deal? No need to thank us, but ok. Prego, prego. You’re so welcome.

And now, 30 years after my historic visit to your beautiful country, 30 years after tasting my first cappuccino, my first spaghetti ala vongole, my first grilled octopus, as our second enormous gift to you after saving you from your own worst ally, we present, our very own pride of America, the green mermaid herself, Starbucks. Yes, the legless lady has slithered across the Atlantic and flopped her green tail and topless body onto the rocky shores of the land of Dante and Dr Illy. Oh, no need to thank us, again! We’re just here to spread our cultural imperialism through capitalism. Just like the Venetians of Marco Polo’s day did for you!

And I bet those Italians just can’t get enough of the Venti-soy-3 Splendas-cotton-candy-gingerbread-salted-caramel-red-velvet-frappucino deliciousness! What could be better, more Italian, more “La Dolce Vita” than savoring a forty-ounce, sweetened, flavored and colored coffee beverage by the Trevi fountain, then following tradition by throwing in the plastic sippy top and making a wish? So awesome, just like in that movie, what was it called? Again, don’t thank us, you guys invented the cappuccino! We just made it so much better, by enlarging it and flavoring it! We should thank you! Grazie mille Italia!, grazie mille. Oh, con piacere, America! Con gusto piacere.

Live from the Foodiness™ Fallout Shelter, it’s the 2nd or 3rd annual (I can’t remember) Golden Uncrustables awards show! Starring….your host, me! With Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, and Jack Inslee on the Twitter feed!
Before we get started, let’s just re-introduce all of our 87 million global listeners and viewers to the Golden Uncrustable, and give a little historical information about the awards.

The Golden Uncrustable is an award for Foodiness™ atrocities committed, Foodiness audaciousness and just plain old Foodiness™ bullshit. It is named in honor of the “Uncrustable” a frozen, pre-made, crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sold by Smuckers. The Uncrustable represents EVERYTHING to me that’s wrong in food in America today.

First: It’s premade, and frozen, and it’s made from garbage industrial white bread or garbage fakey industrial so-called whole wheat bread, both crustless, because we have to pander to children’s fussiness to such a degree that we’ve forgotten that just 2 or 3 generations ago their great-grandparents would have been fighting each other in the streets or the camps or the shtetl for those bread crusts, but no, our delicate fussy eaters need them removed and today’s parents are just trained dogservants to their overindulged chubby offspring.

Secondly, it’s premade, and frozen, and uses the shittiest peanut butter, like Jif or Peter Pan, which contain corn syrup and hydrogenated oils, and again, today’s useless parents can’t even manage the strength or dexterity to open a jar and spread their own Peanut Butter for their device-tethered tots? Or teach the kids to do it themselves? I guess they can’t, it’s hard to open a jar and spread PB when you’re so busy playing Minecraft. And anyway, they’d get it all over the screen.

And third, it’s premade, and frozen, and the jelly is of the corn syrup and grape juice concentrate kind, basically a mainline sugar IV hookup for your little addict. The bread is basically all sugar, the PB is filled with added sugar, and the jelly is pure sugar. Why can’t Johnny read? Because he’s in a diabetic coma, that’s why.
They should sell Uncrustables with a free toy syringe in every box! So you can train your little pre-diabetics for what’s to come shortly down the line. Of course, the diabetes-industrial complex loves stuff like the Uncrustable, they are simply propagators of the Foodiness™ solution to the Foodiness™ problem, and they’ve got groups like the ADA right up there behind them…but that’s another show.
So listen live, at 1:00 to this year’s Foodiness Golden Uncrustable awards show, or later tonight, or anytime ever on Itunes and Stitcher! Now please step on the carpet, turn, and smile!