Archive for 2012

In tonight’s episode – The End Is Near (Again) And You Better Get Used To Eating People And Protein Bars – I get real about what to eat after this Friday’s Armageddon; how all those urban hipsters with their dirty shirts and long beards and roof top gardens will be de-ironized and really will be dirty and unshaven and really eating from that garden, and not just Instagramming about it; how you should put your device down and meet your neighbor because you’re probably going to have to eat them if you want to survive, and you might as well get to know them first; how, if eating your neighbor makes you queasy, just think of it as post-apocalyptic de-friending; and, most important, about how you can stay the right kind of people even in a post-apocalyptic world because if you’re living off protein bars, at least you know better, and if you’re eating people, well, at least it’s food. …and you finally got to kill that b*tch in 3B.

In tonight’s episode – Welcome to Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp, Part 2 – I get even realer about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how most people wouldn’t know what to do with raw, live food found in the ground, on a field or in the water (not foodiness™ that tastes like cookies with pictures of food on the bag) any more than they’d know how make friends and flirt at a party without a device – and it’s hard to say which one is more disturbing; how, if they were starving enough, they surely would figure out a way to kill a rabbit, figure out which parts of an artichoke are edible, and if that’s a toxic industrial berry or a wild blueberry, just like they probably could socialize at a party without social media – if they were drunk enough; and how exposure to real food at its source reveals the dirty truth that eating real food doesn’t make you elite – it just makes you not an idiot – but it does make you the right kind of people; and, like the pill Keanu Reeves takes in the Matrix, eating real food can transport you back into the realm of the real, where the food is incredible, the parties are even better, and people don’t meet online, but, rather, drunk at bars like God intended.

In tonight’s episode – Welcome to Foodiness Reeducation Camp, Part 1 – I get real about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how, whether they are the liberal elite who eat whole grain milk and cereal strawberry flavored breakfast bars and gummy vitamins, or Tea-Partiers who eat Taco Bell frozen breakfast burritos and plastic chicken Subway sandwiches, they need to be reprogrammed how to eat real food, and to be in the cult of Let’s Get Real; about how reintroducing real food into their lives can be a gateway back into reality by helping the liberal elite face the fact that nobody cares about their updates and adults shouldn’t need signs to tell them to look up from their phones when they walk through traffic, and helping the Tea Partiers realize that the Bill of Rights was not designed to protect their right to be poisoned by microwavable pizza and that being in a wheelchair because you can’t walk and riding in a motorized scooter because you won’t walk are not the same thing; and, ultimately, how attending Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp it isn’t just about relearning how to eat real food, but about being the right kind of “us”… and starting a Facebook campaign to bring Let’s Get Real to Comedy Central.