So you listened to my Thanksgiving show — Thanksgiving Is Fake Enough Without Eating Tofu Turkey – and you decided to stuff yourself with real food over the holiday: you gorged on gobs of real gravy your grandmother taught you to how to make (before you put her in the nursing home); mashed potatoes (made out of potatoes) your common law husband learned how to make from YouTube videos uploaded by wannabe famous-chefs; and you ate the entire pumpkin pie your neighbor from Texas made from scratch – in the middle of the night (only you don’t really remember because of the Ambien).
Now you’re afraid you’re going to regain that 5 pounds you lost after you decided to spend less time Facebooking about jogging and actually jogging instead. Suddenly, those pumpkin-pie flavored fat-free yogurts Sally in accounting stocked the office fridge with are looking mighty tempting…never mind that Sally weighs 225 pounds.
But now is not the time to fall off the Let’s Get Real wagon and into the fat-free dessert-flavored “yogurt” rabbit hole again with all the wrong kind of people! …especially considering that when Let’s Get Real makes it big you want to be the one bragging to your friends that you were on board before it was a big hit, like voting for Obama in the early ’08 primaries, eating macaroni and cheese before it was a “comfort food”, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race in the first season, or moving to Brooklyn…before “hipster” was even a word!
So let me just do you a favor and refresh your memory that You Can’t Have Your Cheesecake Flavored Yogurt And Eat It Too.
Tonight I get real (one more time) about what foodiness™ has done to yogurt; how Oreo, key lime pie, M & M and red velvet cake flavored yogurt have given people the impression that they can eat cookies, candy and dessert and still be eating yogurt; how real yogurt made from milk and live cultures is to 70s era, all-American Olympian decathlete Bruce Jenner as fat free, sugar free, red velvet cake flavored foodiness™ “yogurt” is to 2012-era, face-lifted, reality-show Bruce Jenner; how to get real, which is to stay away from yogurts that have pictures of dessert, candy or cereal on them and to go for yogurts that say, “organic”, “grass-fed”, or “Greek”; and how if you want to eat cheesecake flavored yogurt for lunch, eat cheesecake – at least you’ll know what you’re eating…and that you’re a 35 year old jr. partner at a law firm making 200 grand a year eating cake for lunch.
Now go “like” this update on Let’s Get Real Facebook page and go jog off those real-pumpkin pie pounds… before you wind up looking like Sally.
In tonight’s episode – Thanksgiving Is Fake Enough Without Eating Tofu Turkey – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to Thanksgiving; how Thanksgiving is the one holiday that is totally defined by food (and genocide) and that’s what we used to eat, ie. turkeys that grew up on farms, mashed potatoes that started out in a garden, cranberries that came off a bush, and all prepared by grandma (before she got put into a nursing home); how foodiness™ has since fractured what we eat into manufactured dopplegangers and given us identities based on what we eat (when we should just be eating food and basing our identities on what we watch on TV); what we’re eating – ie. Tea Partiers (hormonal, antibiotic filled turkeys from manufacturing plants, microwavable pre-mashed potatoes), real food elites (turkeys from their back yard, 25 dollar a pound artisanal mashed potatoes), “Mommies” (little Lexi and Zack will only eat organic, whole grain, cranberry flavored Pop Tarts), gay parents (see “Mommies”), old school gays (martinis, cigarettes), foodies (the latest turkey ramen from David Chang which they Facebook and Yelp review), vegans (tofu turkey, soymilk pumpkin “cheesecake”), and Orthorexics (a little popcorn, a glass of wine and some Maude); and how, even though traditional Thanksgiving has changed, at least we can still count on grandma going into a nursing home.
In tonight’s episode – That Bottle of Beaujolais Is Just Fermented Grapes, And Karl Rove Was Right About Ohio – Chef Wides gets real about what foodiness™ has done to wine with special sponsor….we mean guest…Christopher Howell from real wine producer Cain Vineyard and Winery; how we all think that if we’re not drinking wine out of a box that we must be drinking real wine made out of fermented grapes, but that’s like thinking Fox News is realer than Toddlers And Tiaras; how learning what foodiness™ does to wine – adding sulfur dioxide to control the fermenting, pigment to change the coloring, toxic chemicals to kill bacteria, oak flavoring to give it oak flavor, sugar to make it sweet – is enough to make you want to stop drinking it, except for the fact that sobriety is worse; how, since it’s not legal to list ingredients on wine, and the labels put the People’s Paradise to shame when it comes to propaganda, it’s almost impossible to even figure out what is real wine and what isn’t; and how while you’re getting f*ed up on wine at Thanksgiving at least you know it’s f*ed up, which is more than you can say for your alcoholic family.