In tonight’s episode – You Can’t Have Your Cheesecake Flavored Yogurt And Eat It Too – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to yogurt; how Oreo, key lime pie, M & M and red velvet cake flavored yogurt have given people the impression that they can eat cookies, candy and dessert and still be eating yogurt; how real yogurt made from milk and live cultures is to 70s era, all-American Olympian decathlete Bruce Jenner as fat free, sugar free, red velvet cake flavored foodiness™ “yogurt” is to 2012-era, face-lifted, reality-show Bruce Jenner; how to get real, which is to stay away from yogurts that have pictures of dessert, candy or cereal on them and to go for yogurts that say, “organic”, “grass-fed”, or “Greek”; and how if you want to eat cheesecake flavored yogurt for lunch, eat cheesecake – at least you’ll know what you’re eating…and that you’re a 35 year old jr. partner at a law firm making 200 grand a year eating cake for lunch.
Archive for 2012
Episode: 40
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Episode: 39
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In tonight’s episode – Choosy “Mommies” Don’t Choose Jif – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to peanut butter and jelly; how real peanut butter is to foodiness™ “peanut butter” as The Music Man is to Spiderman: The Musical, and real jelly is to foodiness™ “jelly” as Goldie Hawn is to Jessica Simpson; how there’s nothing “choosy” about eating peanut butter with sugar and hydrogenated vegetable oils or jelly with corn syrup and sugar; how to get real – buy peanut butter with one ingredient (peanuts) or jelly with three (fruit, sugar and pectin), or just make your own damn peanut butter – it has one ingredient, and if you can’t make something with one ingredient you’ve got bigger problems than real peanut butter and jelly can solve.
Episode: Reminder—Episode 18
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Like a good “follower” and an even better “friend”, I’ve been following your Tweets and your Facebook updates very closely. Love the pics from the Hamptons! …and that you’re comfortable enough with your body to wear that bathing suit. Very admirable. And when I saw you had decided to go vegan to help the environment I was ready to “like” your post right away – even more than I “liked” your deep thoughts on the Batman shooting and the Democratic Platform including gay marriage. After all, anyone who can honestly give up meat for the good of the environment is worthy of a “like”.
But then I noticed in your dinner Tweets and updates that you hadn’t really given up meat. After all, “veggies” don’t taste like hamburgers; tofu doesn’t look like chicken patties; and soy isn’t supposed to replace bacon. Maybe you’ve seen too many mid-morning talk shows on vegetarian food products; maybe you’re too busy Tweeting to slice real tomatoes; maybe you were drinking real dirty martinis when we went over this and it all got foggy, but either way, it looks like I’m going to have to go say this again: Garden Burgers Don’t Come From Gardens.
So in tonight’s episode I get real – yet again – about foodiness vegetarian products; what’s actually in products like vegan burgers, tofu hotdogs and soy bacon (pretty much everything in the world but vegetables); the fact that processed vegetarian products are a foodiness bamboozle because they are worse for your health and the environment than eating meat; how “vegetarians” who eat foodiness products designed to taste like meat are like tranny chasers who are into men, but need them to look like women; and what real vegetarianism is, which is eating non-meat real food.
So pay attention this time, and don’t make me de-“friend” you over a tofu burger!