Okay okay okay, I get it. You’re busy. Little Lexi and Zack just turned 2; your diabetic mother just moved in; and you just made executive global vice president of international internal relations and marketing and, on top of everything, are in charge of your division’s Tweets. But this is the third time I’ve seen you marching down the street on the way to work eating a blueberry flaxseed organic milk and cereal breakfast bar with pictures of mountain tops and wheat fields and I’ve just had it. (And I don’t even want to speculate about the organic pop tarts you fed little Lexi and Zack before the nanny showed up!) Didn’t we have this discussion before? Didn’t I already intervene? Obviously I’m going to have to tell you twice: Eat Pizza For Breakfast, Not Pop-Tarts!
So here I go again: tonight I get real about what foodiness has done to breakfast; how sugary cereal, breakfast bars, pre-scrambled eggs, and instant-breakfast shakes have completely hijacked breakfast from real food; how foodiness has opportunistically stepped in to our busy-fied lives Tweeting, Texting and Tweaking with breakfast foods as fake as Kim Kardashian’s face; how eating foodiness for breakfast leads to things like Linking In with losers, and eating real food leads to realizing you don’t actually care about the baby pics your best friend from middle school posted on her Facebook page; and how to get real, which is to just eat a banana or a boiled egg (they don’t take any longer to unwrap than a breakfast bar)…or just eat food, because even leftover pizza is realer than Organic Pop-Tarts.
Archive for 2012
Episode: Reminder—Episode 28
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Episode: 38
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In tonight’s episode — You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy — I get real about what foodiness has done to fruit; how, whether it’s poisoned pears and tasteless tangerines or fat-free fruit Go-Gurts and blueberry-colored flavor-dots, you can’t trust fruit (see Napoleon, Larry Craig, Tom Cruise); how we’re so far down the foodiness™ rabbit hole with fruit that children today don’t have a Proustian first-time with fruit anymore, but rather with fruit-flavored Gummy Bears and strawberry colored Swedish Fish; how phony “fruit” facsimiles lead to facsimiles across the board (see Auto-Tune replacing voices, reality shows replacing reality, Tweeting replacing experiences); and how to get real, which is to eat fruit over an oat-bran protein fruit bar and an organic apple over a toxic apple, and to just accept that when it comes to fruit, it’s pretty f*ed…but at least you had an unforgettable childhood first-fruit experience, and can pronounce “Proust.”
Episode: 37
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In tonight’s episode – Eat Chicken, Not Fingers – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to chicken; how foodiness™ manufacturing has turned chicken into a flubber-like substance that forms a hydra-head of chicken-esque products like chicken dogs, chicken sausage, chicken patties, chicken nuggets, chicken fingers, chicken bacon and chicken-flavored veggie burgers; how these chicken-esque products are as far removed from the original as “crack is whack” Whitney was from “I wanna dance with somebody” Whitney; how to get real, which is to start buying whole chickens (if you don’t know what it looks like think a silicone breast implant with wings) or at least chickens that have a recognizable part of a bird; and how, if you want to get really real, buy “pastured” chickens, but even a hormone-filled real chicken is better than a “chicken” hydra-head made of flubber.