In tonight’s episode — If You Think Chewing Energy Gum Will Help You Rock Climb, You Deserve To Fall — I get real about enhanced Foodiness™ gum; how, claiming that chewing it will “recharge your afternoon”, help you “run and cycle faster,” “make you fearless,” “support our troops” and put a “party in your pocket”, it seems the only thing gum can’t do today is cure impotence…although maybe that’s what putting a “party in your pocket” means; how, historically, gum was never considered to be food and didn’t make any claims – it was just for the tacky, the low-class, and for those cigarette-breath emergencies; how kids today are going to grow up thinking you get energy from gum with “flavor profiles”, just like they’ll grow up watching live concerts through their device screens instead of with their eyes…and who knows which is worse; and how, if you want to chew gum, chew gum, if you want energy or nutrition, eat food, if you want to rock climb, stop “liking” the Facebook pages of gum brands with images of rock climbers and fu*king learn how to rock climb.

In tonight’s episode — Edible Ads Are The Toilet Babies Of Food — I get real about Foodiness™ that was never food in the first place; how edible ads for orange-flavored Fanta flavored like Fanta orange-flavoring are even further down the Foodiness™ rabbit hole than vitamin enhanced artificial sweetener and Pepsi with added fiber; how edible ads are the social-media equivalent of Japanese teenagers who spend 24 hours a day playing video games and never leave their bedrooms — there was never a there-there to begin with; how you shouldn’t be eating paper in the first place — unless it’s about one quarter inch in size with an image of Alice on it; how eating ads for Foodiness™ is literally ingesting truthiness; and how the next logical step from edible ads are flavored apps — but keep a look out for the Let’s Get Real acid-flavored app launching this spring.