In tonight’s episode — You Can’t Have A Proustian Fruit Moment With A Grape Gummy — I get real about what foodiness has done to fruit; how, whether it’s poisoned pears and tasteless tangerines or fat-free fruit Go-Gurts and blueberry-colored flavor-dots, you can’t trust fruit (see Napoleon, Larry Craig, Tom Cruise); how we’re so far down the foodiness™ rabbit hole with fruit that children today don’t have a Proustian first-time with fruit anymore, but rather with fruit-flavored Gummy Bears and strawberry colored Swedish Fish; how phony “fruit” facsimiles lead to facsimiles across the board (see Auto-Tune replacing voices, reality shows replacing reality, Tweeting replacing experiences); and how to get real, which is to eat fruit over an oat-bran protein fruit bar and an organic apple over a toxic apple, and to just accept that when it comes to fruit, it’s pretty f*ed…but at least you had an unforgettable childhood first-fruit experience, and can pronounce “Proust.”

In tonight’s episode – Eat Chicken, Not Fingers – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to chicken; how foodiness™ manufacturing has turned chicken into a flubber-like substance that forms a hydra-head of chicken-esque products like chicken dogs, chicken sausage, chicken patties, chicken nuggets, chicken fingers, chicken bacon and chicken-flavored veggie burgers; how these chicken-esque products are as far removed from the original as “crack is whack” Whitney was from “I wanna dance with somebody” Whitney; how to get real, which is to start buying whole chickens (if you don’t know what it looks like think a silicone breast implant with wings) or at least chickens that have a recognizable part of a bird; and how, if you want to get really real, buy “pastured” chickens, but even a hormone-filled real chicken is better than a “chicken” hydra-head made of flubber.