In tonight’s episode — If You Think Chewing Energy Gum Will Help You Rock Climb, You Deserve To Fall — I get real about enhanced Foodiness™ gum; how, claiming that chewing it will “recharge your afternoon”, help you “run and cycle faster,” “make you fearless,” “support our troops” and put a “party in your pocket”, it seems the only thing gum can’t do today is cure impotence…although maybe that’s what putting a “party in your pocket” means; how, historically, gum was never considered to be food and didn’t make any claims – it was just for the tacky, the low-class, and for those cigarette-breath emergencies; how kids today are going to grow up thinking you get energy from gum with “flavor profiles”, just like they’ll grow up watching live concerts through their device screens instead of with their eyes…and who knows which is worse; and how, if you want to chew gum, chew gum, if you want energy or nutrition, eat food, if you want to rock climb, stop “liking” the Facebook pages of gum brands with images of rock climbers and fu*king learn how to rock climb.
Do bros need their own yogurt? According to new men’s-only yogurt brand Powerful Yogurt they do. The real question is: do you think bros are dumb enough to buy it? Don’t answer that. Let me put it to you this way: yogurt isn’t for men or for women, it just is. Powerful Yogurt — or “brogurt” — isn’t for men or for women or for F2M transsexuals or aliens pretending to be men or even Janet Napolitano — it’s for chumps. It’s not that real men don’t eat yogurt, it’s that real people don’t eat “brogurt”. Get it? How about Chumpgurt!? I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.
