FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Episode: 59

If You Think Chewing Energy Gum Will Help You Rock Climb, You Deserve To Fall


In tonight’s episode — If You Think Chewing Energy Gum Will Help You Rock Climb, You Deserve To FallI get real about enhanced Foodiness™ gum; how, claiming that chewing it will “recharge your afternoon”, help you “run and cycle faster,” “make you fearless,” “support our troops” and put a “party in your pocket”, it seems the only thing gum can’t do today is cure impotence…although maybe that’s what putting a “party in your pocket” means; how, historically, gum was never considered to be food and didn’t make any claims – it was just for the tacky, the low-class, and for those cigarette-breath emergencies; how kids today are going to grow up thinking you get energy from gum with “flavor profiles”, just like they’ll grow up watching live concerts through their device screens instead of with their eyes…and who knows which is worse; and how, if you want to chew gum, chew gum, if you want energy or nutrition, eat food, if you want to rock climb, stop “liking” the Facebook pages of gum brands with images of rock climbers and fu*king learn how to rock climb.

Episode: Reminder—Episode 44

His And Hers Are For Hassidic Weddings and Antiperspirant, Not Food


Do bros need their own yogurt? According to new men’s-only yogurt brand Powerful Yogurt they do. The real question is: do you think bros are dumb enough to buy it? Don’t answer that. Let me put it to you this way: yogurt isn’t for men or for women, it just is. Powerful Yogurt — or “brogurt” — isn’t for men or for women or for F2M transsexuals or aliens pretending to be men or even Janet Napolitano — it’s for chumps. It’s not that real men don’t eat yogurt, it’s that real people don’t eat “brogurt”. Get it? How about Chumpgurt!? I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.

So just in case you were at risk of falling off the foodiness™ gender-marketing wagon, let me refresh your memory that His And Hers Are For Hassidic Weddings and Antiperspirant, Not Food. In tonight’s you’re-making-me-repeat-myself episode, I get real about gender-specific foodiness™ marketing; how nutrition bars and instant oatmeal for women and gummy vitamins and diet sodas for men made of corn syrup and artificial sweeteners aren’t for any gender (even Jamie Lee Curtis); how separating genders is for gay bars, Hassidic weddings, and hair products, not food; how real food is for men, women, boys, girls, post-op trannies and every other gender, but foodiness™ is for suckers, and gender-specific foodiness™ is for super-suckers; and if you want to want to be manly show it in your moisturizer and if you want to be feminine let it show in your “skinny” vodka…like God and Grey Advertising intended.

As for brogurt, the real story here is that the broification of America is truly out of control. And while you should never eat shit, let the bros eat shit! …and while we’re at it, don’t you think Power Yogurt’s ad is just a little bit gay? I’m just saying…

So if you don’t want to eat shit — or Chumpgurt — tune in tonight to Let’s Get Real: The Cooking Show About Finding, Preparing and Eating Food.

Episode: 58

Edible Ads Are The Toilet Babies Of Food


In tonight’s episode — Edible Ads Are The Toilet Babies Of Food — I get real about Foodiness™ that was never food in the first place; how edible ads for orange-flavored Fanta flavored like Fanta orange-flavoring are even further down the Foodiness™ rabbit hole than vitamin enhanced artificial sweetener and Pepsi with added fiber; how edible ads are the social-media equivalent of Japanese teenagers who spend 24 hours a day playing video games and never leave their bedrooms — there was never a there-there to begin with; how you shouldn’t be eating paper in the first place — unless it’s about one quarter inch in size with an image of Alice on it; how eating ads for Foodiness™ is literally ingesting truthiness; and how the next logical step from edible ads are flavored apps — but keep a look out for the Let’s Get Real acid-flavored app launching this spring.

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