Archive for March, 2013

Awwwww!!! It’s that time of year again!! Time for little Lexi and Hampton to get ready to eat chocolate covered bunnies. What a treat! You’re such a great “mommie” to only let them have sweets on special occasions. …just one little thing: they eat chocolate covered whole wheat organic Pop Tarts for breakfast; chocolate covered cereal bars with omega 3’s for midmorning snack; and of course the nanny always keeps chocolate flavored fiber bars and whole grain chocolate flavored gold fish crackers for their uber-important after school snack the pediatrician says they have to take with their Ritalin. The only thing missing is a chocolate flavored app for their iPhones. …but I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.

Looks like you’re being held back and forced to repeat last year’s episode If It’s As Sweet As Candy, It Is.

So tonight I am getting real again about the candification of food; how becoming accustomed to everything being sweetened – from breakfast bars and peanut butter to sports drinks and steak sauce – is another foodiness firewall because it makes real food taste like sh*t in comparison; why anyone would care (because it’s turning all of us into the kind of people you see on the Biggest Loser); and the realistic solution, which is to treat sweetness like a recreational drug that you do occasionally, not all the time.

In the meantime, since all little Lexi and Hampton eat are sweets masquerading as food, why don’t you give them a really special Easter treat and feed them real food…like their pet rabbit! Think they won’t eat it? Starve them for a couple of days and then see if they’ll eat it. If it raises eyebrows amongst the other mommies you can always say you bought it at Whole Foods.

Do bros need their own yogurt? According to new men’s-only yogurt brand Powerful Yogurt they do. The real question is: do you think bros are dumb enough to buy it? Don’t answer that. Let me put it to you this way: yogurt isn’t for men or for women, it just is. Powerful Yogurt — or “brogurt” — isn’t for men or for women or for F2M transsexuals or aliens pretending to be men or even Janet Napolitano — it’s for chumps. It’s not that real men don’t eat yogurt, it’s that real people don’t eat “brogurt”. Get it? How about Chumpgurt!? I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.

So just in case you were at risk of falling off the foodiness™ gender-marketing wagon, let me refresh your memory that His And Hers Are For Hassidic Weddings and Antiperspirant, Not Food. In tonight’s you’re-making-me-repeat-myself episode, I get real about gender-specific foodiness™ marketing; how nutrition bars and instant oatmeal for women and gummy vitamins and diet sodas for men made of corn syrup and artificial sweeteners aren’t for any gender (even Jamie Lee Curtis); how separating genders is for gay bars, Hassidic weddings, and hair products, not food; how real food is for men, women, boys, girls, post-op trannies and every other gender, but foodiness™ is for suckers, and gender-specific foodiness™ is for super-suckers; and if you want to want to be manly show it in your moisturizer and if you want to be feminine let it show in your “skinny” vodka…like God and Grey Advertising intended.

As for brogurt, the real story here is that the broification of America is truly out of control. And while you should never eat shit, let the bros eat shit! …and while we’re at it, don’t you think Power Yogurt’s ad is just a little bit gay? I’m just saying…

So if you don’t want to eat shit — or Chumpgurt — tune in tonight to Let’s Get Real: The Cooking Show About Finding, Preparing and Eating Food.