In tonight’s episode – Welcome to Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp, Part 2 – I get even realer about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how most people wouldn’t know what to do with raw, live food found in the ground, on a field or in the water (not foodiness™ that tastes like cookies with pictures of food on the bag) any more than they’d know how make friends and flirt at a party without a device – and it’s hard to say which one is more disturbing; how, if they were starving enough, they surely would figure out a way to kill a rabbit, figure out which parts of an artichoke are edible, and if that’s a toxic industrial berry or a wild blueberry, just like they probably could socialize at a party without social media – if they were drunk enough; and how exposure to real food at its source reveals the dirty truth that eating real food doesn’t make you elite – it just makes you not an idiot – but it does make you the right kind of people; and, like the pill Keanu Reeves takes in the Matrix, eating real food can transport you back into the realm of the real, where the food is incredible, the parties are even better, and people don’t meet online, but, rather, drunk at bars like God intended.
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Episode: 51
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Episode: 50
LISTEN TO THE SHOW:
In tonight’s episode – Welcome to Foodiness Reeducation Camp, Part 1 – I get real about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how, whether they are the liberal elite who eat whole grain milk and cereal strawberry flavored breakfast bars and gummy vitamins, or Tea-Partiers who eat Taco Bell frozen breakfast burritos and plastic chicken Subway sandwiches, they need to be reprogrammed how to eat real food, and to be in the cult of Let’s Get Real; about how reintroducing real food into their lives can be a gateway back into reality by helping the liberal elite face the fact that nobody cares about their updates and adults shouldn’t need signs to tell them to look up from their phones when they walk through traffic, and helping the Tea Partiers realize that the Bill of Rights was not designed to protect their right to be poisoned by microwavable pizza and that being in a wheelchair because you can’t walk and riding in a motorized scooter because you won’t walk are not the same thing; and, ultimately, how attending Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp it isn’t just about relearning how to eat real food, but about being the right kind of “us”… and starting a Facebook campaign to bring Let’s Get Real to Comedy Central.
Episode: Reminder—Episode 40
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So you listened to my Thanksgiving show — Thanksgiving Is Fake Enough Without Eating Tofu Turkey – and you decided to stuff yourself with real food over the holiday: you gorged on gobs of real gravy your grandmother taught you to how to make (before you put her in the nursing home); mashed potatoes (made out of potatoes) your common law husband learned how to make from YouTube videos uploaded by wannabe famous-chefs; and you ate the entire pumpkin pie your neighbor from Texas made from scratch – in the middle of the night (only you don’t really remember because of the Ambien).
Now you’re afraid you’re going to regain that 5 pounds you lost after you decided to spend less time Facebooking about jogging and actually jogging instead. Suddenly, those pumpkin-pie flavored fat-free yogurts Sally in accounting stocked the office fridge with are looking mighty tempting…never mind that Sally weighs 225 pounds.
But now is not the time to fall off the Let’s Get Real wagon and into the fat-free dessert-flavored “yogurt” rabbit hole again with all the wrong kind of people! …especially considering that when Let’s Get Real makes it big you want to be the one bragging to your friends that you were on board before it was a big hit, like voting for Obama in the early ’08 primaries, eating macaroni and cheese before it was a “comfort food”, watching RuPaul’s Drag Race in the first season, or moving to Brooklyn…before “hipster” was even a word!
So let me just do you a favor and refresh your memory that You Can’t Have Your Cheesecake Flavored Yogurt And Eat It Too.
Tonight I get real (one more time) about what foodiness™ has done to yogurt; how Oreo, key lime pie, M & M and red velvet cake flavored yogurt have given people the impression that they can eat cookies, candy and dessert and still be eating yogurt; how real yogurt made from milk and live cultures is to 70s era, all-American Olympian decathlete Bruce Jenner as fat free, sugar free, red velvet cake flavored foodiness™ “yogurt” is to 2012-era, face-lifted, reality-show Bruce Jenner; how to get real, which is to stay away from yogurts that have pictures of dessert, candy or cereal on them and to go for yogurts that say, “organic”, “grass-fed”, or “Greek”; and how if you want to eat cheesecake flavored yogurt for lunch, eat cheesecake – at least you’ll know what you’re eating…and that you’re a 35 year old jr. partner at a law firm making 200 grand a year eating cake for lunch.
Now go “like” this update on Let’s Get Real Facebook page and go jog off those real-pumpkin pie pounds… before you wind up looking like Sally.