To eat or not to eat: while there were Armageddon-style runs on food and foodiness in nearby grocery stores and delis in preparation for hurricane Sandy, apparently the specter of real starvation was enough to make the “starvation”-cult run from Chelsea’s Organic Avenue the day before the power went out. …guess when the sh*t was going to actually hit the fan, they wanted to eat food after all.
I know I know, I was off for two weeks over the holidays, did one new show, and here am I am rerunning again. But I have to prepare for an important national talk show appearance tomorrow and didn’t have time to write the new show. What can say? If I’ve learned anything in this life, it’s that PR is more important than people. …well, more important than the wrong kind of people. And the fact that you listen to Let’s Get Real means you are the right kind of people. And you want me to snatch a network deal, don’t you? Well, momma’s got to go put on her Let’s Get Real song and dance on set tomorrow morning in hopes of attracting a TV deal, which means you don’t get a new show tonight.
But, I can still help you feel good about yourself by throwing the wrong kind of people under the bus again. So in tonight’s hit and rerun — Organic Avenue Is The Raw Food 7-11 — I get real again about raw vegan foodiness™; how chains like Organic Avenue promise to make the raw vegan lifestyle as convenient as fast food, but being a raw vegan is supposed to be inconvenient, which is why hardly anybody does it (well, that, and it tastes like sh*t); how being a fast-food raw vegan who needs their lunch to taste like microwavable lasagna is like being a Republican who is a pro-gay, pro-choice, environmentalist; how, with its bright colors, bright lighting and convenience foods, Organic Avenue is the 7-11 of raw food cleanses, only for lazy elites who fetishize starvation, look androgynous, and never want to get laid again; and how to be a real vegan – which is to eat only real food that has no animal product in it – but why do that when lasagna (and getting laid!) are so f*ing good?!
And here’s an update: Organic Avenue doesn’t look like it’s been doing well lately, which means it could be headed for 8th Avenue’s ever growing scrap heap of fly-by-night businesses. Given that there are only about 15 ATMs on that stretch in Chelsea, yes, it could very well wind up pushing us even further down the bank branch rabbit hole that has become Manhattan. But if it does become an ATM, at least they don’t label the cash “organic”…and you can get money there and go across the street and buy actual food at Foragers. I’m just saying.
In tonight’s episode – Omega 3’s Come From Fish, Not Cookies – I get real with special guest 
how you should put your device down and meet your neighbor because you’re probably going to have to eat them if you want to survive, and you might as well get to know them first; how, if eating your neighbor makes you queasy, just think of it as post-apocalyptic de-friending; and, most important, about how you can stay the right kind of people even in a post-apocalyptic world because if you’re living off protein bars, at least you know better, and if you’re eating people, well, at least it’s food. …and you finally got to kill that b*tch in 3B.