In tonight’s episode – Thanksgiving Is Fake Enough Without Eating Tofu Turkey – I get real about what foodiness™ has done to Thanksgiving; how Thanksgiving is the one holiday that is totally defined by food (and genocide) and that’s what we used to eat, ie. turkeys that grew up on farms, mashed potatoes that started out in a garden, cranberries that came off a bush, and all prepared by grandma (before she got put into a nursing home); how foodiness™ has since fractured what we eat into manufactured dopplegangers and given us identities based on what we eat (when we should just be eating food and basing our identities on what we watch on TV); what we’re eating – ie. Tea Partiers (hormonal, antibiotic filled turkeys from manufacturing plants, microwavable pre-mashed potatoes), real food elites (turkeys from their back yard, 25 dollar a pound artisanal mashed potatoes), “Mommies” (little Lexi and Zack will only eat organic, whole grain, cranberry flavored Pop Tarts), gay parents (see “Mommies”), old school gays (martinis, cigarettes), foodies (the latest turkey ramen from David Chang which they Facebook and Yelp review), vegans (tofu turkey, soymilk pumpkin “cheesecake”), and Orthorexics (a little popcorn, a glass of wine and some Maude); and how, even though traditional Thanksgiving has changed, at least we can still count on grandma going into a nursing home.

In tonight’s episode – That Bottle of Beaujolais Is Just Fermented Grapes, And Karl Rove Was Right About Ohio – Chef Wides gets real about what foodiness™ has done to wine with special sponsor….we mean guest…Christopher Howell from real wine producer Cain Vineyard and Winery; how we all think that if we’re not drinking wine out of a box that we must be drinking real wine made out of fermented grapes, but that’s like thinking Fox News is realer than Toddlers And Tiaras; how learning what foodiness™ does to wine – adding sulfur dioxide to control the fermenting, pigment to change the coloring, toxic chemicals to kill bacteria, oak flavoring to give it oak flavor, sugar to make it sweet – is enough to make you want to stop drinking it, except for the fact that sobriety is worse; how, since it’s not legal to list ingredients on wine, and the labels put the People’s Paradise to shame when it comes to propaganda, it’s almost impossible to even figure out what is real wine and what isn’t; and how while you’re getting f*ed up on wine at Thanksgiving at least you know it’s f*ed up, which is more than you can say for your alcoholic family.

To eat or not to eat: while there were Armageddon-style runs on food and foodiness in nearby grocery stores and delis in preparation for hurricane Sandy, apparently the specter of real starvation was enough to make the “starvation”-cult run from Chelsea’s Organic Avenue the day before the power went out. …guess when the sh*t was going to actually hit the fan, they wanted to eat food after all.

In tonight’s episode – Organic Avenue Is The Raw Food 7-11 – I get real about raw vegan foodiness; how chains like Organic Avenue promise to make the raw vegan lifestyle as convenient as fast food, but being a raw vegan is supposed to be inconvenient, which is why hardly anybody does it (well, that, and it tastes like sh*t); how being a fast-food raw vegan who needs their lunch to taste like microwavable lasagna is like being a Republican who is a pro-gay, pro-choice, environmentalist; how, with its bright colors, bright lighting and convenience foods, Organic Avenue is the 7-11 of raw food cleanses, only for lazy elites who fetishize starvation, look androgynous, and never want to get laid again; and how to be a real vegan – which is to eat only real food that has no animal product in it – but why do that when lasagna (and getting laid!) are so f*ing good?!