FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

In tonight’s episode – Omega 3’s Come From Fish, Not Cookies – I get real with special guest Kristin Wartman about foodiness “nutrition”; how, just like Facebook has replaced friends with “friends” (or friendiness), foodiness has replaced nutrition with “nutrition”; how we’re not getting the nutrition we need because we aren’t eating food, so putting antioxidants in cookies, vitamins in artificial sweeteners, fiber in Pepsi and calcium in orange juice is just a foodiness™ solution to a foodiness-made problem; how, just like children growing up today will have 1,000 “friends”, no friends, and will think that being alone on a computer is socializing, they’ll also think whole grains are found in Gold Fish crackers, fiber in cheese-cake flavored yogurt and protein in marshmallow-flavored candy bars; and how, food is already functional and doesn’t have to be “enhanced”, so if we just ate real food we’d get all the nutrition we needed and wouldn’t have to eat fiber-enhanced yogurt…hear that Jamie Lee???

In tonight’s episode – The End Is Near (Again) And You Better Get Used To Eating People And Protein Bars – I get real about what to eat after this Friday’s Armageddon; how all those urban hipsters with their dirty shirts and long beards and roof top gardens will be de-ironized and really will be dirty and unshaven and really eating from that garden, and not just Instagramming about it; how you should put your device down and meet your neighbor because you’re probably going to have to eat them if you want to survive, and you might as well get to know them first; how, if eating your neighbor makes you queasy, just think of it as post-apocalyptic de-friending; and, most important, about how you can stay the right kind of people even in a post-apocalyptic world because if you’re living off protein bars, at least you know better, and if you’re eating people, well, at least it’s food. …and you finally got to kill that b*tch in 3B.

In tonight’s episode – Welcome to Foodiness™ Reeducation Camp, Part 2 – I get even realer about deprogramming listeners from the cult of foodiness™; about how most people wouldn’t know what to do with raw, live food found in the ground, on a field or in the water (not foodiness™ that tastes like cookies with pictures of food on the bag) any more than they’d know how make friends and flirt at a party without a device – and it’s hard to say which one is more disturbing; how, if they were starving enough, they surely would figure out a way to kill a rabbit, figure out which parts of an artichoke are edible, and if that’s a toxic industrial berry or a wild blueberry, just like they probably could socialize at a party without social media – if they were drunk enough; and how exposure to real food at its source reveals the dirty truth that eating real food doesn’t make you elite – it just makes you not an idiot – but it does make you the right kind of people; and, like the pill Keanu Reeves takes in the Matrix, eating real food can transport you back into the realm of the real, where the food is incredible, the parties are even better, and people don’t meet online, but, rather, drunk at bars like God intended.