FLOG: The Foodiness Blog

Ah Spring is here! For the Taco Bell eating “them” it’s always the drive-thru season, but for the real-food eating “us” it’s time for seasonal super foods! After all, we know better: we know to eat seasonal blueberries and seasonal wild salmon, not blu-berry flavored margaritas and fried shrimp-nuggets in a basket. And you feel so smug on the way to the farmer’s market to look for seasonal strawberries and asparagus and peas just knowing that you’re better than Walmartians driving their motorized scooters through the frozen glazed zero-calorie donut aisle.

…only one little thing: Super Foods Are Super F*ed Up.

So tonight I’m going to burst your bubble one more time about what Foodiness™ has done to “super foods”; how icons of power foods like olive oil, which is laced with chlorophyll, blueberries, which are toxic with pesticides, soy which give you man-boobs, and sardines which give you mercury poisoning have been knocked off their pedestals by corruption like John Edwards, Lance Armstrong and John Travolta; how finding out that all the foods that separate the soy and sardine-eating “us” from the 7-Eleven and cupcake eating “them” can actually be really bad for you is enough to make you reach for those Omega-3 enhanced Oreos and hope for the best; and how to realistically deal with the knowledge that sometimes there are no right choices when it comes to eating real food – which is to make others feel inferior for not knowing.

But listen, I’m saying you’re not better than people who don’t know better. Of course you are! You listen to Let’s Get Real: that automatically makes you better. After all, Kate Moss was wrong – the only thing that tastes better than being skinny is being superior. So tune in!

Super foods may be f*ed up, but “they” are even more f*ed up….

Awwwww!!! It’s that time of year again!! Time for little Lexi and Hampton to get ready to eat chocolate covered bunnies. What a treat! You’re such a great “mommie” to only let them have sweets on special occasions. …just one little thing: they eat chocolate covered whole wheat organic Pop Tarts for breakfast; chocolate covered cereal bars with omega 3’s for midmorning snack; and of course the nanny always keeps chocolate flavored fiber bars and whole grain chocolate flavored gold fish crackers for their uber-important after school snack the pediatrician says they have to take with their Ritalin. The only thing missing is a chocolate flavored app for their iPhones. …but I really shouldn’t be giving these ideas away for free.

Looks like you’re being held back and forced to repeat last year’s episode If It’s As Sweet As Candy, It Is.

So tonight I am getting real again about the candification of food; how becoming accustomed to everything being sweetened – from breakfast bars and peanut butter to sports drinks and steak sauce – is another foodiness firewall because it makes real food taste like sh*t in comparison; why anyone would care (because it’s turning all of us into the kind of people you see on the Biggest Loser); and the realistic solution, which is to treat sweetness like a recreational drug that you do occasionally, not all the time.

In the meantime, since all little Lexi and Hampton eat are sweets masquerading as food, why don’t you give them a really special Easter treat and feed them real food…like their pet rabbit! Think they won’t eat it? Starve them for a couple of days and then see if they’ll eat it. If it raises eyebrows amongst the other mommies you can always say you bought it at Whole Foods.